Muhasabah...Banyakkan muhasabah diri

Tadi pat silat
mm....
aku nie bukannye ape
aku paling
TAKUT
bile kene pekik
hahakz...
aku betul2 blur at tt moment
so bile aku kene sergah gitu
hati aku betul2 kecut
mungkin aku nie lembik arh
becoz
aku dah cam nak nangis
tapi i told myself
please lahhh
dun be such a crybaby
grow up mannn

so aku tak nangis
aku alihkan perhatian
aku start to focus
which was damn hard
since kite semue dlm kuda2 position
and its been sometime
since we were asked to 'kuda2'
so kaki dah sakit giler
becoz aku tak nangis,
aku tahan sakit,
in the end aku nye kening berkerut
tanpa aku sedari
ketakutan aku
serta merta tukar
jadi kemarahan

dan kemarahan tu
bukan kpd sesiape
tetapi pade diri aku sendiri

seriously
aku rase
kalau kau letak
seberape ramai org pon
pat depan aku
aku tak kesah menang kalah
aku tau
kalau aku jatuh
aku nak dorg jatuh
aku kalau sakit
aku nak diorang lagi sakit
at that moment
i seriously felt
that i can hurt someone
i wanted to so badly
that bile kite break
i was thinking to myself
'astaughfirllah,
apa yang aku fikir tadi.
is that me?
i dun wanna be like dat.'

i tried to distract myself
by watching the rest do some techniques
it worked a little
coz kemarahan aku dah realli berkurangan
in fact
i became more focus
my body had more energy
i actualli look forward to some action
sekali ali panggil
dia ckp a few stuff
aku paham perasaan die
aku actualli rase kesian
yg die letak diri die dlm position tu
die suro aku senyum
aku bukan tak nak
i just dont want
once aku senyum
akunye focus dah hilang
aku maseh ngah blajar control
so in the end aku senyum tak ikhlas
dahh die ingat aku masih marahh
hahakzz...
aku pon pening
tak tau canne nak explain pat die

at the same time
aku teringatkan seseorang
then aku fikir2
kalau satu jadi api
yang satu lagi jadi air
knowing that org tu ibarat api
sepatutnya aku lah jadi air
tapi ape dah jadi sekrg
macam mane nie??
i was constantly asking myself

So basically that was the main dilemma
i was facing just now =)
i feel really bad
coz aku rase
bile aku muke masam gtu
im not being fair
to the rest
who are also fighting their own war
but are at least smiling

but Nad said
its all in the mind and the heart
i believe her
truly
aku nak tanamkan sifat penyabar
dlm diri aku
mulai sekarang
i guess
ive already taken a small step
there's still many steps to go
but insyallah
i can make it

i know
every training
will be a challenge
its gonna be difficult
exhausting
but..
nisa
susah dulu
senang kendian

hehehe...
k2 dah nanak emo2 agi
besok tak tau jadi tak g jurong birdpark
cute sehh nengok burong
but first
ive to study ar
kalau tak
sendiri rase padahnye ar
go nisa go
hwaiting!!

Lemme end of with this rhymy-thingy in my head:

Bertopengkan pahlawan,
gagah dan sedia.
Namun ketenangan,
semaikanlah di jiwa.

Haha...pelan2 kayuh anisah